My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
