My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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