Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
