On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
