You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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