I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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