Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
