it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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