you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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