eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
