Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
