break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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