I'm going to jail i love you
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
