I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
