Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
