I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Even my vagina gasped.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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