Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
