$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
