Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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