i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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