I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
