so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
