Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
