The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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