i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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