I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
