dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
