she was so not down for the gang bang
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
