Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
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It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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