I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
