Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That accounts for only three of the penises
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
