It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
