I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
