You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
