can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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