If i come over, it means nothing
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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