if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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