Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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