I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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