remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you had me at cake vodka
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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