Kiss
Puke
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
