we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
