she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
