Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
