her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
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