never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
