You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
