drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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