Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
