i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I look better un-naked...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
