Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
