we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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