loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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