My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
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Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
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plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
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