The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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