I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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