You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
