Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
