in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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