Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
