Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
