just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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