The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
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She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
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Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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